The Very Worst of Youth Sports

When I think of the worst aspects of youth sports, more often than not, it's the conduct of parents and coaches that come to mind.

Usually, the kids are great.  They compete hard.  They want to do well. 

Parents?  Coaches?  I think there are some basic lessons that both groups should be exposed to.  I see a lot of attempts to codify parental conduct, but frankly, we could use a lot more.

These are my gripes and the things I would like to see changed in the approach to the game by both coaches and parents.

1.  This is sports.  Sports is, at its essence, just a game.  The winner and loser, especially for youth sports, is completely immaterial.  There is no reason for anybody to get angry.  Really. 

I remember talking to my son after a basketball tryout and I must have been getting a little too excited and emphatic.  My son paused and said, "Dad, you sound like you're getting mad at me."

I told him that I am NEVER mad at him for anything about sports.  I then explained that sometimes I get excited when I explain things that are sports related.  Also, that coaches will use the same tone of voice.  It doesn't (or at least shouldn't) ever mean that the adult is angry.  I didn't play much sports when I was younger, but that's how I remember coaches talking to us, and I guess it just carried over. 

The key there is to make sure that my son knows that it doesn't matter what happens on the field.  I am never angry at my son because of anything related to a children's game.  He needs to know that and I need to never forget it.

2.  There's a difference between coaching and criticizing.  All too often, I see both coaches and parents harping on what just happened, instead of focusing on what's coming up.  For instance, "Hey, you didn't do X, Y or Z" isn't really helpful in my opinion.  "Hey, let's make sure you do X, Y or Z" is a completely different spin.

One is focused in the past.  You're just commenting on something that a person can't help, because it's over.  The other is focused on the future and it can be done in an encouraging manner.

Criticism, in sports or life, has to be handled carefully so as not to discourage.  Instead, focus on desired behaviors and draw people to them.

3.  A coach who loses his temper more than about once a season loses his temper way too often.  We would never accept a hothead at work.  Somebody who blew their stack every day would find themselves either fired or despised by their co-workers. 

However, all to often, I see coaches who are blowing their top every time I see them coach a game.  What world do these people live in?  Do they think, "Well, at work, I need to keep my emotions in check and behave professionally.  However, now that I'm guiding these children, it's time for me to act a fool"?

We are talking about children, here.  We may like to think that they're tough competitors or that playing the game is making them more mature, but seriously?  These are children.  Young ones. 

We shouldn't act less circumspect around kids.  Our behavior should be even more patient, more encouraging, more positive.  If we wouldn't blow our top every day with adults, why would we do it with kids? 

So, throwing clipboards, yelling at kids, jumping up and down, kicking things around?  Really now?  It has no place in youth sports.  If you have that much difficulty controlling your temper, you not only shouldn't be coaching sports, but you might want to consider psychological help.

4.  Parents?  Your kids are doing the best they can.  There is no room for a public dressing-down.  Same principle, here:  it's bad when done anywhere.  If you are upset with your spouse, do you find a public place, in front of dozens of people, and start talking about why you're unhappy in a voice loud enough so everybody can hear? 

At work, do you find a co-worker you have difficulty with, then publicly berate them?
Most people would never, ever do these things.  Yet, I see all the time, parents who are upset at something their kid did or didn't do.  Then, the parent is berating their own child in front of everyone.

Your child may remember these interactions for the rest of their lives.  If you have to correct your child's athletic performance, unless you're coaching, do it privately, out of earshot of others, so as not to embarass them.  Then, do it in as encouraging a manner as possible.

If you are coaching, address the issue like you would with anybody else.  Speak directly, not emotionally, and not angrily. 

When your kid is grown and moved out of the house, there is no way you'll look back on the day you yelled at them when they dropped a fly ball and feel good about yourself.  If you're lucky, they won't remember it, but if they do, you might wish you had behaved differently.

5.  The Umpires, Refs, etc., are not perfect.  Get over it.  I am genuinely embarassed by people who lose their cool and start yelling at the umps.  That goes for both parents and coaches.  Fortunately, at my son's age, the kids tend not to go nuts about this sort of thing.  However, eventually, they're going to model the behavior they see.

Even when my son was playing coach-pitch, I used to tell him that bad calls by an umpire are a part of the game, just like your ball and your bat.  If you can't deal with that, you just can't play. 

I've never seen an umpire make a deliberately bad call.  They're doing the best they can.  I've also never seen one reverse a call because somebody yelled at them.  We see the umps a lot through the course of a season.  Enough that I know a few by name and most of them by sight.  Some are great.  Others less so.  However, they're all human beings and they're there to do a job:  to facilitate an experience that's supposed to be fun and character building for your kid.  They don't deserve to be abused for it.



In the end, I enjoy having a kid who plays youth sports because I know that one day he'll hang up his cleats.  On that day, he'll look back on all the games he played and will probably think of his playing days as some of the most fun he ever had.  If he picks up some athletic skills along the way, all the better.  If he learns a few lessons about life along the way: bonus. 

Same for every other kid out there.  I hope the conduct of all the parents and coaches reflects this reality.  Sports is supposed to be fun.  It can be serious, but it should always be fun.